Radical: ALLOWING
Hyper-vigilant, on alert, and always anticipating the next problem? We like to think that by padding our environment from unpredictability, we ensure emotional safety...
…In reality, this rigidity leads to frustration and anxiety when we use control as a coping strategy.
“In self-trust, all the virtues are comprehended.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Freedom
Control is a sneaky devil that creeps into our lives in weird ways.
When it comes to my body, I’m a control freak. I’ve spent most of my life with a keen eye turned toward maintaining tip-top health and wellness. That focus was amplified with a breast cancer diagnosis in 2015. It’s a meta struggle many days to not obsess and keep myself in check.
I recognize the cold, hard grip control has over my mind; it's a Trojan horse rooted in fear.
After experiencing several frustrating months of mysterious and random physical symptoms, a rheumatologist diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. Due to the number of cancer surgeries and treatments I’ve been through, my body has learned to overreact neurologically to the smallest perceived threat. Pain, extreme fatigue, memory issues, and mood fluctuations are my new norm.
The more I try to dominate and regulate a flare-up, the more my body dishes out. Push harder = more pain. It’s a negative feedback loop that produces a state of anxiety.
Our brains use control as a shortcut to avoid dealing with experiences and emotions that are uncomfortable. It shuts us down from addressing underlying pain points.
We like to enforce arbitrary rules over situations because it gives us a sense of safety and stability. It lets us “define” the unknown and get a handle on our environment, emotions, and thoughts. This is to our detriment, however.
By cultivating the habit of acknowledging our fear's source, it begins to lose its subconscious hold and stops perpetuating the cycle. We’re free then to focus on positive outcomes and make room for meaningful changes.
With lots of daily practice, I’m learning to break my own control pattern by understanding my disorder's mechanisms and how I respond to it.
I allow myself the grace to relax and be open to both good and challenging days. Instead of going down a worry-hole of control, I acknowledge that this disorder does not define me. I’m easing on the rigors of how intensely I care for my body - treating it like an ally instead of a traitor - and going with the flow by being prepared for eventual flare-ups.
It’s an active process that takes practice to change the thoughts and behaviors beneath the pattern of control. But I know it’s possible. I’m proof.
Where do you exert areas of control in your life? Ask yourself, when did this first surface? Notice any memories that arise and feelings that might need to be addressed. What is the sensation you’re feeling in your body? Can you honor that by allowing it to surface without judgment? Finally, permit yourself to process those emotions and sensations. Be open to seeking a licensed therapist for an even more thorough exploration.
Remember, any internal work you do is a marathon, not a race.